oh man I can’t even move without hurting.
period like cramps…
it doesnt help any that my cat knocked a large wooden horse down on me when i was asleep last night and it hit my elbow!!! I think it hit a nerve because it hurts when I move it and is swollen… :I
Wrong side of the bed this morning.
And I’m worried about Baby Jude….
sometimes i wish my dads side of the familiy wasnt a bunch of alchies, druggies, and scrappers. and that they all got along. then maybe they would visit us more often…
im a bit sad that they couldnt make it to the baby shower.
I wish at least my dad could be in our lives as a friend more.
I want him to come see me!!!
i love my uncles and aunties and cousins too! i hate that they all dont get along.
Baby Jude. one day I hope you get to meet my family.
until then you have great grand mothers and a loving grandfather in your life. maybe youll have two… i hope…
I havent exactly made time to blog about myself or reblog for that matter.
being pregnant has been a pain in the ass…. but the biggest blessing.
i really wonder if i will ever really care to look back at every day that has passed when Jude is all grown up.
I have alittle here and there but for the most part i cherish the moment.
and because of that i dont think ill ever need to look back because i will be admiring my beautiful son and the most amazing husband every second of the way.
well if i have anything to say…
its nice to be able to write out a few expressions about my pregnancy. but i believe the moment we all are waiting for in the first place is to be able to look our child in the eyes. and that doesnt come til the end of 9 months for most women.
im glad i didnt write out every rant, every emotion, every angry hate letter… it was better that some of my mean side didnt come out on this timeline i created.
i am not the best writer when it comes to my personal life… but from what i manage to get out… i am happy with what i let out.
i guess loss of sleep is making me ramble a bit…
4 hours of sleep because of some bad braxton hicks…
another month to go of this painful pregnancy.
another month to go before my life changes. until my life means something special. until i officially get to meet the new love of my life. until me and my lovers lifes are given a new meaning. until we get to hold sweet baby Jude.
I love you my dear sweet son. I really do. I can’t wait to see the shine in your eyes. I can’t wait to hear your little voice. I can’t wait to hear your first laugh.
until then… I hope you enjoy the protection, heat, movements, and sounds I can provide for you while you are in there. I’m sorry I am not the healthiest body I know you need. but I will give you everything you need and more. always.
one day you might have a son. and if you do I hope you’ll be as great as your father with all this. He loves you so much and he hasn’t even held you yet…
I love him so much. I just want you to know, out of all the people i could have ever known and loved. He is the only one I would ever want to have a child with. He is the only one I can let my guard down for. He is the only one. I love him with all my heart and I love that he is my lover and your father. we are the perfect family. not because we have everything together. but because we love eachother so selflessly that i know.. no matter what happens in this life to come… we will always be there for eachother. we will do what ever we can for eachother. we will keep eachother strong. our love is what makes us a great family. and thats really all we ever need.
im sleepy. its morning. i ate. i ranted a bit much.
sweet dreams! :)
- me, while shopping: this would be cute if it were black.
being a mom is already alot of work and little Jude isnt even out yet!!!
this week has been crazy!
trying to get everything done in preperations of baby Jude
SO MUCH GROWING PAIN.
over all a happy mommy though :)
sweet baby Jude you are wide awake and mommy needs to sleep. I can see you poking around my stomach area! is there something you want?
Justin. I’m sorry for being over emotional. I’ve just had a rough day….
these hormones on top of the hunger made me even more crazy.
i kinda took it out on you…
i love you…
i miss you :/
we need to go to the beach already so we can just relax!
and ps the cup of noodles in the cubboard might have saved me.
so thank you for putting those away in there…
today is just not my day :(
oh my god seriously no one fucking cares im pregnant. i havent eaten since last night all i wanted was some quick food so i wouldnt starve. they stopped getting 2 percent milk. someone ate all of the peanut butter we got like two days ago. theres no pots to cook fucking ramen even. no one changed. no one changed for the baby at all. no healthy food and all anyone could say is “i can give you money for mcdonalds.” im fucking sick of fast food. how can i have a family who says i dont walk enough yet they can sit there and rot in front of a game and live off of pizza and fast food. i want fruit. i want vetetables. i want a healthy baby. how can they get mad at me for trying to change things for the better. and they said they could change but i have to “give them time” and that it doesnt help if i “get on their ass”. the minute i shut up about everything things go right back to shit. everything ive been pushing for has completely reversed. months of progress back to shit in two weeks. and now im sitting in my room alone hungry and crying and no one gives a damn. they all “are so excited for the baby” and no one is here for me when it comes down to it. GOD everyone gets mad at me when im mad at my family but you have got to be kidding me… i have every right to be angry at them. just because YOU PUSHED OUT A BUNCH OF KIDS does not mean you did a good job. just because you have kids does not mean someone elses should suffer. i want to be a good mom. a better mom than my family because i can see everything they did wrong. just because your kids are alive does not mean you did a perfect job. i want to be the parent that you see in other familys. i want to be that one parent that people look at and see how much they gave for their child. i will not sit on my ass when my child needs me. i will not let him go hungry. i will not allow him to cry alone. i will not just leave him feeling abandoned in life. i seriously dont know what to do anymore. i hate that my family gets mad at me for wanting a nice life for all of us. and when i try to better my life and leave them alone i still get the worse end of the deal.